Self-Compassion Tips for Women Navigating Life Transitions

The number one person who should always be there for us is ourselves (Article and video)

(Watch on YouTube also!)

Women navigating life transitions like perimenopause, job loss, relationship changes, or other significant shifts need a lot of self-compassion.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in this field, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support you’d offer a good friend. It’s about recognizing that being imperfect and experiencing struggles are part of being human.

I look at self-compassion like how you’d treat a child. If a six year old fell off their bike, would you yell at them? Or would you tell them it’s part of learning to ride, give them a hug, and encourage them to try again?

If a child has to give a class presentation and they stumble and stutter, would you criticize what happened, or would you give them a huge hug and tell them they were brave for getting up in front of other students? We treat children with kindness.

Well, your inner child - the younger you - he or she is still inside you. So instead of beating myself up when I’m not perfect, I now try to talk to and love that little kid inside me. (And I’m big on hugs.)

Why self-compassion is important

Research shows that practicing self-compassion can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while boosting resilience and emotional well-being.

A 2019 study published in Mindfulness found that women who practiced self-compassion during challenging times reported higher levels of life satisfaction and lower levels of emotional distress.

Women face specific challenges during life transitions. Perimenopause, for example, can bring unpredictable changes in mood, energy, and physical health. Job loss or career shifts can lead to feelings of inadequacy or fear about the future. Relationship changes, whether it’s a divorce or kids leaving home, can leave us questioning our identity.

It’s easy to be critical of ourselves in these moments, and that’s when we need self-compassion the most.

photy by irynakhabliuk for Canva Pro

I have to say, when I was in perimenopause and didn’t know it, I was brutal to myself. I was being pushed out of my career and all the work I’d spent decades building. I was cast aside, ostracized, and shamed. It was horrible.

People I worked with shunned me to the point I’d walk by them and they wouldn’t even acknowledge I was there.

I had brain fog, couldn’t think, started drinking way too much, and cut myself off from everyone and just about everything.

And the worst thing I did was become my own worst enemy. I blamed myself for what other people did to me and drowned in shame.

The one person who should have had compassion for me, who should have had unconditional love, was myself!

But I beat myself up day after day for not being perfect, not understanding what was happening, not knowing what to do to save my life’s work at the time. I hated myself for what was happening, and I know it made things so much worse.

It took me years to start practicing self-compassion and mindfulness, and I find I sometimes still slip. For example, when I moved into my apartment in Santa Fe a few years ago, I caught myself yelling out loud at myself.

For example, I’m not the most handy person and was trying to hang curtains. I actually screamed at myself - “you’re so stupid, Diane!” when I couldn’t drill the holes properly to hang the rod. And then I yelled at myself for yelling at myself!

I was shocked at my horrible self talk and wondered how many years I’d been silently screaming at myself that I suck.

I believe meditation—and tons of therapy—helped me key into that voice that was beating me up. Once I heard it, I realized that other people were going to—and were—treating me the same way.

If you want the world around you to change, you have to change your inner world first. Be kind to yourself and other people will be kind to you.

How to Practice Self Compassion

Acknowledge your pain

Take a moment to recognize what you’re feeling, and do your best not to judge yourself. Say something like, "This is hard right now," or "I’m struggling, and that’s okay."

Remind yourself you’re human and that no one is perfect. No one. This is super important. If you push a negative feeling down, it’s still there, festering, and it’ll come out someday in another way - through self hatred or pushing your anger out onto other people and the world.

If you haven’t noticed, we have a lot of that going on today.

By Africa Images for Canva Pro

Practice self-kindness

Instead of criticizing yourself, try speaking to yourself like you would a child. Replace "I’m such a failure" with "I’m doing the best I can."

Hug yourself and tell yourself you’re doing a great job, no matter where you are in life. The fact you’re alive and here means you’re good enough. There’s nothing you need to do or achieve.

If you didn’t get enough encouragement and support when you were younger, you still have that child in you who needs attention. And the only person who can give him or her that love now is you.

Imagine the child you were and send love.

In your mind, pick them up and speak to them the way you wanted to be spoken to, and the way you still might want to be treated. Ask them what they want - and indulge yourself.

Go jump in a puddle or build a sand castle. Draw, paint, sing - do what you loved to do back then. And laugh at the sheer fun and silliness of it.

Journal

A practical way to build self-compassion is through journaling.

Take five minutes a day to write about what you’re struggling with, and then respond with words of kindness and support. And do your best not to judge yourself.

This simple practice can shift your mindset over time.

Mindfulness

Another tool is mindfulness. When we’re mindful, we can notice our thoughts and feelings without being swept away by them.

Mindfulness helps us create the space to respond to ourselves with compassion rather than reactivity. You can become aware of your feelings and what you’re thinking, or you can start or deepen a meditation practice.

Studies show that practicing self-compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm your body and reduce stress. It also lowers cortisol levels, the stress hormone, and increases oxytocin, which is often called the "love hormone." This is your body’s way of saying, "I’ve got you."

If you’re navigating a big life transition, it’s okay to take small steps. Self-compassion isn’t about fixing everything overnight—it’s about showing up for yourself in the moment. It’s about saying, "I’m here for me."

A big part of self compassion is learning what you want and need. If you don’t want to go to that party, politely decline. Tell the host you’re under the weather and you won’t be able to make it.

If someone tries to make you feel bad or guilty for backing out, question if they’re actually a friend. You have to take care of yourself first.

By siriwannapatphotos for Canva Pro

We have to put our own oxygen masks on first before we can help anyone else. So you take care of you, however that shows up. You might read a good book or take an afternoon to stare at the wall.

One of my favorite past times when I first moved to New Mexico was cloud watching, especially during monsoon season.

Because we’re in the mountains, you can watch clouds grow - and that’s perfect for playing the finding-shapes-in-the-sky game. I’ve seen rabbits dancing with wolves, dragons flying, and all sorts of animals and people appear.

It really helped bring back a certain type of childhood wonder that I’d thought I’d lost after thirty years in New York City.

What’s one kind thing you can say or do for yourself today? Maybe it’s giving yourself permission to rest, reaching out to a friend, or simply saying, "I’m enough." Try to think of something you enjoyed as a child. For me, it’s jumping in puddles. I’m in the desert, so we don’t have them very often, but when one’s in front of me, look out. Odds are I’m having a splash.

Whatever it is that brings you joy, start small and build from there.

Remember, self-compassion is a practice, not a destination. Be patient as you learn to embrace it. You deserve the same kindness and care you so often give to others.

Diane Hatz is an author, organizer, and inner activist. Join her email list to get personal newsletters and more. You can find info on her books and writing on her website and through her email list.